My Letter to God

I had a really hard time last night, and my eyes still hurt from it. hehe, no one told me that crying so much (i didn't cry all night, i only cried for about maybe 15 mins) would give me such a headache~ i mean, i knew i'd get puffy eyes and i almost posted "get ready for a day of super chinky eyes 2mrro!", but i already spammed the newsfeed too much. I did post a super long prayer, since it helps me concentrate my thoughts better that way (I can't pray out loud or in my mind -_-"). i typed it the whole time i was crying, posted it, then washed my super snotty wet face and went to bed. at least i didn't cry myself to sleep TT_TT. imma delete the post and post it here where no one looks so that i still have it, even though i don't want anyone else to see it on FB. I replaced it with lyrics from Adele's "Someone Like You" that i really wanted to post yesterday cuz that part and the chorus and bridge were stuck in my head. that's what i like. i couldn't understand why pple loved adele songs so much, but i didn't learn to love the song until my choir started singing it and i started to love the chorus, pre-chorus, and bridge, but not the verses, i hate them. i hate praying though cuz i'm afraid i'll offend someone T_T. here it is XD:

Jaje Jang ‎"God... Save me... I don't like making my parents mad, maybe because I'm scared of being yelled at. I don't like crying like this because it's uncomfortable and unclean. I can't talk. I can't breath through my own nose. I can't hold all my tears in the palm of my hand. I... can't think right. My forehead hurts from hyperventilation. God, I'm sad. I'm sorry for my parents. I'm sorry for myself. I'...m not good enough for anyone. All I do is laugh it off until I cry it out all too much all at once. I'm sorry, and it's all my fault. I should've been smarter. I should've used my brain. Why am I not good enough the way I am, despite being made,in your image. It's not your fault nor their fault. I can't see why I just can't do what I'm supposed to. Am I meant to cry like this? What will I learn from these painful tears? It hurts, but I have to keep going. Please give me the guidance and strength for me to continue on. For my family to continue on. For my life to continue on. For anyone who feels the same way so that they don't have to go through the same thing. So that they don't have to go through the same tears, hear the same shouts, and feel the same throb in my eyes, in my face, on my head, in my face, in my mind, and in my heart. So that they don't have to fight against their own parents who loves them and raised them as their own and gives everthing to them. So that they don't have to try to fight back, even if they don't know how to fight back and know that fighting back is futile, that fighting back will only result in their loss, because they know they are wrong, and you shouldn't fight against a parent in the first place. I know I'd feel lonely if I didn't know I wasn't the only one, but please don't let anyone else feel this way and forgive and help those who already feel like crying. Amen" If only God will read this... I hope he does.

then later, i wrote...

"I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I- couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I had hoped you'd see my face___ and that you'd be reminded that, for me,... It isn't over.____" I start adding more ppl when I'm sad. Thanx ppls (^-^)v

Geh! I think I found... like... 3 typos earlier D: o wellz. imma delete it anyway teeheesXD thanx for reading! I'd feel much better if someone read it from here (rather) than from facebook, cuz u chose to read it ^_^ (unlike all my friends who r stuck reading my posts because it pops up in their newsfeeds). hopefully no one saw it yet XD thanx 4 reading. SeeyaTeeheesXD